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GUARDIAN Sat, 04 Feb 2012 00:05:15 GMT
The letter you always wanted to write There are bad times in all marriages; I just never thought they would happen to us. We made it bad ourselves, or rather, we forgot to make it good. We started out all wrong, you and I. You fell in love with me at university and pursued me across classrooms, residence halls, dining rooms and in the end, across borders. You asked me to marry you out of the blue, and your certainty convinced me in the end. Was I in love with you? I was fascinated by you. You were extraordinarily handsome, funny, full of crazy ideas and, I must admit, your persistence melted my set belief that marriage was not for me. I never thought I could make a marriage work for ever, and certainly not with a charmer like you. I tried to brush you aside with the excuse that you would quickly tire of me and find a new obsession. But I did fall in love with you. Because you forced me to notice you, you made yourself an option. We got married, and I thought that if I just closed my eyes and held my breath we would be fine. We lived in a bubble. We knew we had something good but I was never fully conscious of what it was. I loved you but I never let myself go, I never gave in and allowed myself to be vulnerable with you. I always had a plan B in my head.   We did many things wrong – we moved to the wrong places, got the wrong jobs, never really settled anywhere. We had big dreams but didn't fulfil them, we didn't even try. I was too afraid. And then the bitterness crept in. I started blaming you for all the things I didn't get to do and you answered that I should never have married you. After 11 years of marriage, I had turned into the bitter married woman I never wanted to be – we didn't talk any more, didn't touch, didn't look at each other. But then you woke me up. You told me that you didn't want to be married to me any more, not like this. While I could only agree with you, I desperately, physically felt that I wanted to live my life with you, the way it was supposed to be. I knew I could not keep living with one foot out of the door, not wanting to commit.   I believe in marriage now. I believe that it is tough, it is ugly at times, it is uncertainty and insecurity but, above all, it must be honesty. And it must be 100%. I know that you cannot give me any guarantees about our future, and it is scary and wild to go forward like that. But I will go forward with you, because the one thing I am certain of is that I love you. Your wife Family guardian.co.uk © 2012 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
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 Saturday, 04 Feb 2012 17:38:59 UTC/GMT

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